my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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