You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Randomize
