Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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