dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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