He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
