I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
