I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
