And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
