Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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