I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize