I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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