...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
