Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
