The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize