my phone needs a breathalizer
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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