dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
