i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
