He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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