i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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