I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
