did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
i've created a new STD.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
