I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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