Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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