Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
