From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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