If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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