I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
