3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize