I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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