we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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