I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize