I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
