i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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