the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize