Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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