I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
farters have to be the big spoon...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
