I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
