Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
