He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
