he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
