Joe is yelling at the trees again.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
