you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize