There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
