I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
false alarm. still invincible.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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