Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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