when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
