We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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