i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
