I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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