u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
