So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
