I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
