Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
