The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
