Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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