I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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