I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
