I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
