I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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