i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
